The Misadventures of Resident Evil
by William Cain
Summary: An idea from camp Umbrella. What would happen if the people from Resident Evil lived in the same house? Just a thought.
1. The Couch

Jill couldn't sleep. Whenever she would close her eyes, she would have the same dream. Carlos. It was enough to make her gag.   
  
Jill needed to clear her head. She walked down into the living room where a fire was lit. Chris was seated on a couch across from it. Jill walked over to him and smiled. "Do you mind if I sit here?" Chris moved over a little. "Of course not. Here sit down." Jill took a seat and stared at the flames a bit before gazing at Chris. "Uh... Jill? I... I don't know how to say this... but, uh..." He felt for her hand and she took it. No more words were needed. They stared at each other and moved closer as shadows from the flames danced on the walls.  
  
"No! I'm telling you! That is not his real hair!" "Why would Carlos have fake hair?" "Why wouldn't he?" "I cant talk to you tonight! Just leave!"  
  
The door slammed in Leon's face. "Well that couldn't have gone any worse." he muttered to himself. "I need candy." He walked down the stairs, past the couch and into the kitchen where he grabbed a 'Milky Way' from the counter. He worked his way back to the steps. "I wonder if Barry-"  
  
UUUHHHH!!!!  
  
Leon heard the moan. And wherever there were moans, there were zombies. Leon looked at where the moans were coming from. The couch. Leon slowly worked his way to the couch, lightly stepping across the rug. He peered over it.   
  
"CHRIS IS KILLING JILL!"  
  
THUD!  
  
"Oh damn it." Barry rolled in pain on the ground. "Stupid kid." He got up, holding his head, and stumbled out the door. Rebecca, Claire, Billy and Carlos were already outside in the hallway. Leon was standing in the middle ranting.  
  
"All right you stupid kid. This had better be good." Barry said, rubbing his head. "Chris is on top of Jill! Killing her! She's moaning in pain! We gotta do something!" Leon just kept on ranting as Wesker walked out of his room. "I knew that Chris guy was no good! Lets go!" Leon led them down the stairs and into the living room. Leon pulled out his gun. "Stop right there Chris!" Chris picked his head up and lifted both hands. There was a soft, feminine moan from the couch. "You bastard! I cant believe you!"   
  
"Whoa what are you-"  
  
"Don't play dumb with me! You killed her!"  
  
"Leon! Calm down."  
  
"No! You calm down! I AM CALM! You killed Jill!"  
  
"What?" Jill rose her head over the back of the couch. "I'm not dead." Wesker put his face in his hands. "Leon," he said. "I think it's about time you and me had a little talk." Wesker whispered into Leon's ear. He listened inventively. "Yeah? I know... ok, no... wait..." His eyes widened. "On the couch!?" He turned to Chris. "You were doing that on the COUCH?!" Carlos stormed upstairs and Leon followed. The rest of the team stood there in a stupor until Jill broke the silence. " Ok. I think I can sleep now."  
  
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Next Chapter Preview:  
  
"I'm not touching that couch"  
  
"We're going to have to sell it."  
  
"How are we gonna get it outside if no one will sell it?"  
  
"Hmmm..." 


	2. The Yardsale

A/N: Damn, it's been like two years. Well, as Brian Johnson used to say, "Well, I'm back in black." and back updating this story which I always meant to update.

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It was a fresh morning and the rays of the new day were invading the living room in warm streaks, coming through the cracks of the haphazardly closed shades. Off in the corner of the room, a group was huddled around a particular sofa. Jill and Chris were in separate rooms of course, Chris' door bolted with two master locks and duct tape which Leon added while Barry wasn't looking.

Everyone else in the house was gathered around the couch from the night before. No one saying anything, just watching and waiting. Wesker looked as though he was measuring the sofa in his mind. Carlos looked the most distraught, having seen what had happened to Jill the night before.

Finally, Barry ended the long silence.

"So... what are we going to do with this thing?"

Everyone looked around at each other.

"Well... we surely can't keep the thing." Wesker said in that snobbish voice that makes you want to wring his neck.

"So what will we do?" Rebecca asked. Barry thought for a second and then looked like he had an idea.

"Well, we're going to have to get rid of it somehow." he finally answered.

"STOP!"

Everyone froze and looked at Billy who had his arms outstretched to either side, and his eyes closed. He started to shake from thinking.

"Yard sale." he said. There were oohhs and ahhhs from everybody in the living room. Barry nodded.

"Great idea," he said. "Now lets split up. Rebecca, you Leon and Claire make flyers and put them up around town. Billy, Wesker and Carlos you guys move the couch out to the front lawn an-"

"Whoa, I'm not touching that couch!" Billy exclaimed.

"Me either." said Wesker, his arms crossed over his chest giving a disgusted look at the couch. Carlos closed his eyes and stuck his tongue out. Barry sighed and shook his head.

"Listen," he said looking down at the couch and moving a step away. "I'd move it, but I have to help Leon and the girls make the flyers. So, I'll leave you guys to it!"

Barry left the room, leaving the three men standing there, staring at the couch.

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It was a few hours later and Leon was out putting flyers up on poles around the neighborhood with Barry. Claire and Rebecca were in the kitchen standing at the counter. Jill was let out of her room and was seated on a stool in between them.

"Jill, we're not doing this to try to embarrass you or anything, but we have to know..."

Jill looked up at Rebecca with tearing eyes. She shook her head "I don't know," she started. "We were just caught up in the moment and it kind of all just happened..."

Claire took Jill's hand. "But at anytime did he stop or anything?" she asked.

Jill looked confused. "What are you trying to ask?"

Rebecca put her hand up to Claire. "Did he use any protec-"

"What's this?"

It was Carlos' voice from inside the living room. He walked into the kitchen, walking through the swinging door. He had something in his hand.

"Hey, what's this? I found it near the couch." He asked holding the object up. "It's kind of sticky too, is this like a food wrapper or something?"

The girls just stared at him and then looked at Jill who was sobbing.

"Oh thank God," Claire said. She put her hand on Jill's shoulder, causing her to look up. "It would seem you have no risk of being pregnant."

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"AHHHHH!!! NO!!!!!! DO YOU HAVE TO AMPUTATE? NO!!!! WHY?!?!?!?"

Barry and Leon stopped in front of the door and looked at each other. Barry rushed in with Leon tight on his heels. Carlos was lying down on a cot in the living room, the girls knelt down next to him holding a pot of hot water. Rebecca was holding a cup and was pouring the water onto Carlos' hand.

"Oh no... oh no!!!!"

"Carlos, shut up. You're going to be fine." Rebecca said.

Barry took a step into the room. "What happened to him?"

Rebecca looked up. "He picked something up and found out what it was later, so now he's completely grossed out and is over reacting. We have some good news though. Chris had the smarts to use protection."

Barry nodded and then stopped. "Wait, Carlos picked up Chris' co-"

"Yeah." she quickly interjected.

Barry and Leon started hysterically laughing.

"It's not funny! It's not funny!!!!" Carlos yelled.

"No, no, you're right. I'm sorry Carlos." Barry stopped and looked around, still grinning. His eyes fell on the couch as he raised an eyebrow. "I thought I told the guys to take the couch outside."

Almost on cue there was a low rumbling sound and everything started to rattle and shake. The rumbling got closer and closer until it felt as if it stopped right in front of the house. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

The front wall came down with a crash as a bulldozer drove right into the living room.

"Ok! Now we can move the couch!" Billy said, dismounting the bulldozer along with Wesker.

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After much maneuvering and tearing another hole in the front wall, the couch was finally successfully placed on the front lawn where Barry and Wesker sat at a table waiting for people to come and buy the couch.

After chasing away a group of people who wanted to buy the bulldozer, a woman finally came asking about the couch. Leon ran over. "Allow me." he said to Wesker and Barry. He lead the woman to the couch and started to explain the specifics along with the price.

"It sounds reasonable," she said. "But why are you selling it?"

"Well..." Barry and Wesker waved their arms, trying to get him to shut up.

"You see. We're all friends who live together. There are about ten of us in that house. And well, chemistry got the best of two of them and they had a little "fun" on the sofa. So we decided to get rid of it." he nudged the woman in the ribs with his elbow. The woman scoffed and left in a huff as Wesker and Barry covered their faces and shook their heads.

At about seven o'clock another woman came to see the couch. Wesker and Barry took this one and they looked like they would close the deal.

"So, what do you think? Deal?" Barry asked.

"I think we could work something out." She said with a smile. Wesker and Barry grinned as they started to lead her back to the table.

The front door burst open and out of the house walked out Carlos with a bandaged hand.

"I am NEVER touching that thing again! That was sick, I can't believe Chris would just leave that thing on the couch. Do you know how much bacteria was on that thing. It's all discharge!"

The woman looked up and stared at Barry who could only shrug his shoulders.

"You people are sick." she said as she left.

Barry and Wesker turned around to glare at Carlos.

After much negotiation and throwing in the rest of the rental time for the bulldozer, Wesker was able to sell the couch to a black man who bore a striking resemblance to Shaft for a grand total of forty dollars. As "Shaft" drove away with the couch and bulldozer, Barry walked over to congratulate Wesker. As they walked towards the house they realized that the wind had torn off the garbage bags that were covering the holes in the front.

"Damn... we really have to fix those." Barry said.

"Yeah, we can do that tomorrow." Wesker said.

They walked in silence and walked up the stairs leading to the front door.

"Wait," Barry stopped at the door. "Oh man... has anyone checked on Chris?"

"What?"

"Chris! Has anyone gone to give him food?"

"Oh no... we've all been so preoccupied..."

"Shit," Barry said, throwing the door open. "GET SOME FOOD UP THERE!!!!"

Wesker ran in and made a b-line for the kitchen. Barry looked outside at the debris that was scattered on the lawn. He shook his head and shut the door behind him.


End file.
